For the rest of my life

This is to dedicate to the people who had been in my life whom I shed tears for, whom I truly love and also to people who have always been beside me. Motivating me and making my life full of happiness and laughter. You know who you are, Farah and Khad!

For no matter what happens, I hope our bond is strong for the rest of my life. I think without you people I do not think I'll be surviving!. =)

I praise Allah for sending me you my love*
You found me home and sail with me
And I`m here with you
Now let me let you know
You've opened my heart
I was always thinkin' that love was wrong
But everything was changed when you came along
Oooooh
And there's a couple of words I wanna say

For the rest of my life
I`ll be with you
I`ll stay by your side honest and true
Until the end of my time
I`ll be loving you, loving you
For the rest of my life
Through days and nights
I'll thank Allah for opening my eyes
Now and forever I
I`ll be there for you

I know it deep in my heart
I feel so blessed when I think of U
And I ask Allah to bless all we do
You`re my wife & my friend & my strength
And I pray we`re together in Jannah
Now I find myself I feel so strong
I guess everything was changed when you came along
Oooooh
And there's a couple of words I wanna say

[ Maher Zain Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
For the rest of my life
I`ll be with you
I`ll stay by your side honest and true
Until the end of my time
I`ll be loving you, loving you
For the rest of my life
Through days and nights
I'll thank Allah for opening my eyes
Now and forever I
I`ll be there for you

I know it deep in my heart
& now that you`re here
In front of me I strongly feel love
And I have no doubt
And I sing it loud that I will love U eternally

For the rest of my life
I`ll be with you
I`ll stay by your side honest and true
Until the end of my time
I`ll be loving you, loving you
For the rest of my life
Through days and nights
I'll thank Allah for opening my eyes
Now and forever I
I`ll be there for you

I know it deep in my heart

Thank You For Loving Me

My feelings are betraying me. I know, I thought I was strong. In the end, I crumble and fall again. I wish I am strong.

All those words that I say to you was mean and hurtful. I did that because I was so angry and too hurt. But, I never meant it. I know you might be laughing, because in the end I fell. I know some of my friends might get angry with me for apologizing to you, but all the while, during our relationship, I've been taking you for granted. But, I dont blame myself for all these. I know, if I've been nice and give you more attention, maybe you wouldn't flirt, then we won't end this way.

I've missed your warm hugs, your kisses, your affections, your generousity and your care. Most of all, I missed being with you. But, I do hate some of your attitude, but I guess, I should have accepted it. I love you with all my heart.

When I listen to Bon Jovi, Thank You For Loving Me, I can't believe my tears just come out like nobody business and its hard to stop, because each and every part of the words mean something to me. It means being with you. Today, my heart almost stop beating when I bump to a colleague of mine. Becuase he looks like exactly like you. Black wavy hair that I love to run through. Black bushy eyebrows that I love to comb with my fingers. The eyes, that is full of love and affections and the lips that are soft, whenever our lips met. But, there is no boncits.

I know, I should not make this hard for you. But, sometimes, I just wished our hearts changed. But, I'm not sure whether you would want me back. For I've been nothing to you and you've been everything to me.

That was one of the major mistake I did. I pray to him, that I will never do this again. I dedicate this song to you, the one that I will always love, by Bon Jovi, Thank You For Loving Me.

April 2010 - March 2011 is a memory that will be buried deep inside.

Well. We. Are. Over. Alhamdulilah.

I know you must think that I'm crazy or mad to be thankful that it was over. A relationship that used to make me glow, finally ended.

Honestly, I've been crying my heart out, just wanting to hear his voice and his warm hug. Feeling desperate to actually wants him back in my life. But Allah had showed me. Thats the reason why I am thankful. He showed me, that no matter how much I love him, I will still be hurt, because of his insensitive attitude.

We were supposed to meet up to end it nicely, since I really love our relationship. I've been thinking a lot too, to maybe save our relationship, because I love him.

But, it all went down the drain. He just have to burst my bubble. Instead of seeing me, he claims he is going out with his brother. I have no problem with this.

But, the problem that I had was why can't he tell me earlier on?. He knows I'm meeting him. Have I've been dating a dumb guy who have no initiative? He should have the initiative to at least message me that he is going out with his brother. Instead, no. He waited. He only told me this after when I was about to leave work and when I message him, where to meet?. Tell, me, don't you think he is being insensitive?. Come on la, he already meet his brother on Sunday to go IT Show and then he is the one who decide not to put our relationship status without even asking my opinion. He did this after the IT Show.

Now, the only thing that is in my mind is just you have someone, you do not want to tell, fear of hurting me. Well, whatever it is. I'm hurt and miserable. To think that I spend and waste my 1 year being with you hurts me. Now, I know why all those tears for. They are never meant for you. They were meant for me, my misery.

No matter how much I hated you. But, I do love you too. Its just, its not enough for me. I can't go out with someone insensitive. No wonder, I keep thinking negative about you, and that was because your attitude does nothing to keep the smile on my face.

I wish you all the best for your future endeavours. I hope, you do really learnt from this and changed your attitude. I do not regret my actions. Thank you for loving me, but I guess it was not enough.

PS: I don't mind being friends with you, just in case you need my listening ear and advise in the future. Alhamdulilah. I was offered a permanent post with Mendaki as Executive Admin. At least, there is something for me to do and look forward too.

Chameleon.

I wish I'm beautiful and slimmer. I wish I'm hardworking and smart. I wish I'm funny and outgoing. I wish I'm someone people will look up to.

But I'm not anything like it. I'm just a nobody. People will never noticed me. People will use me. I'm like a chameleon.

I'm so worried. I can't stop coughing. I'm not sure whether I wanted to see the doctor, I'm afraid that there is something not right. I'm so worried for whatever happens to me, will affect my future. Yeah, I'm paranoid. But, that's how I was born. I'm really am worried.

Current Situation

I really feel like Bella Swan in New Moon. Where two persons that she loved, hurts her. I feel her when she was in pain. When she's scared, no one was there to console her.

I hate night time. It means another lonely night. It means another nightmare of being alone. It means the day past by just like the other days.

I used to love night time. When I can hear your voice and smile as I fall asleep. It brings us closer together. You are the nicest and caring guy I've met. It cuts real deep when the words you say were all empty. When sweet messages were gone, when I keep checking on my sms to see your messages.

I'm not sure what is going on. It seems like I am always the one who starts the arguments and it will leaves us both shattered. But, now, I'm not even sure whether we are perfect for each other. I don't even feel like getting angry with you, because it just not worth it. My feelings are numb. I rather feel the pain than the numbness. At least, it shows that I still do love you.

I think my mom sensed something is amidst between us. But, I just could not tell her why.

Changed for the better if you love that person. If you refused, leave that person, so he/she can find another soul mate to love and to be loved.

I'm not a student, not yet a working adult

Febuary 18 was the last post, and that was because things was'nt going quite right for me. Well, maybe to make the story short, I withdraw from my school. I've killed myself in the future. Well, that was what it seems to my parents.

Yeap, Febuary 22, finally I've made my decision, gather up my courage to stand up for my beliefs and my parents mind and to save myself from committing suicide, I withdraw from my school. The dreams of getting a degree from a new institute in 2 years time is gone and so does my parents' dreams. Now, I have no idea what to do.

Honestly, I feel relieved after signing my withdrawal form. Its a shame because it seems like a good opportunity for my parents and for some. Where, the fees are subsidized heavily, you get to be a full-time student, you won't get stressed and tired easily and you will get a decent high-pay job.

Sometimes, I feel like as if this is my parents' dream. I know they want to see me succeed. But, its not that I give up studying. I still want to continue study, I still do want a degree, a decent high-pay job and I still do want to make my parents happy. But, its obvious, I can't study the course that I was in. Simply because, I've lost my interest and my passion to be the next game designer. I am struggling in school. No one knows, only me and Allah. Its really frustrating that everyday, you have to stay back, to keep asking your lecturers how to do the basic stuff. No matter how much effort I tried to put in, I still could not grasp the concept. Somehow, my brain stops automatically when it sees MAT 140 - LINEAR ALGEBRA, CS120 - C PROGRAMMING. It just stop and wont work.

I really believed that in Digipen, you have to know that what you are taking is what you want to be in the future. As for me, I came in, I did'nt really know what I want. I thought that maybe I can change my job prospect, but well, the course was not for me.

That was why I decided to withdraw. I mean, even if I continue, it will be useless. My brain and my heart are working together perfectly fine and refused to work. For two weeks, I've been skipping classes and exploring the other side of Singapore. It actually helps me a lot. I was calmed when I made my decision.

My parents were disappointed, but they do not forced me to continue. That's a relief. But its irritating and frustrating when they keep saying that they are not allowing me to get another degree. They are not going to pay for my degree. They want me to work and stay as diploma holder forever. It hurts a lot when your parents say something like that. Although it can sometimes be a joke. They will never understand why I've made my decision. Keep accusing me that I'm more to social life rather than to study. I need it, social life is a way to de-stress. They expect me to find work that is related to the field of my study, as long as its IT related, and most of the job they found for me is networking. I HATE NETWORKING.

THEY WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

The irritating part of my parents is that they always think studying is always important. In their mind, it was being programmed such that any educational channels are good, going to school and not withdrawing are good and going to university and have a PHD is better. Better than watching and learning about the asian performing arts.

I guess I get my negativity from them.

Good night!.