Alhamdulilah, my mom is recovering from her major operation. It pains me to see her in that state. That painful state where only she and Allah knows. I hope she recover fast. I hope nothing happens to her. Yes! I'm scared of losing her. Losing her is like losing half of my other soul. I do not even know whether I can survive living without her. It seems like mother knows everything. I know it sounds tragic. Everyone loves their mother, but it is different from me. You see, I'm the only girl that both of parents do (I have to admit) doted on and (I hate to admit) spoiled me. At times, I do get what I want, and I'll be like a cat, purring at them until I get it, and when I do not get it, I'll sulked. (Hey! sounds familiar.)

I'll hate them for a short period of time. The moment will be lost and we will be talking and teasing at each other. I do love my parents. When I look at my mom, she reminds me of my late grandmother. The ever loving and patience grandmother on earth. I still have this guild feeling where I should have been at the hospital when she wants to see us. But, my mom is a replica of my grandmother. I know she's taking over my grandmother role, since she is the eldest. I know she is worried about herself and others. I am too. I have this feeling that I might be like my mom soon. I can get a bit worried especially when it comes to my parents.

Well, I hope she recovers soon, so I can see her.

I do not know why I'm always thinking negative. Its like nothing positive is coming up. I have to endure so many hardship. What's with my mom's condition, my studies, my future and my feelings. I do not know why I always had this feeling where you are no longer interested in me anymore. Really. I know its the end of our honeymoon period. But, I really do not feel the sparks anymore. I'm not sure how couples should feel after their honeymoon period. I wanted to be everything for you, but it seems to me that I've failed doing so. I've failed to make you smile. I've failed to make you laugh. I have no idea whether I'm good for you. I am actually scared to call you. Its not once or twice your tone is rough. It seems like almost everytime when I want to call you, your tone is rough, like as if I'm calling you is a burden. I do not know whether its just me. Really. I am so paranoid, that eventually everything that I did seems wrong.

Sometimes, I dont think you understand what is happening. The reason I'm like this is because of the incident (I do not wished to state here, but you should know), is that you've lied and you've misused my trust. Even when I confront you, you still have the cheek to lie to me. I tried to put it aside and hoping that you will prove that you will not do it. But, it does not happen that way. Instead, you are making me worried and paranoid. Becuase you know why, my trust in you is completely gone. I'm not sure whether I should continue this. Becuase I will ended up hating myself that hating you. It's frustrating you know, frustrating. I do not know whether you read this. But, I do not know what's going to happen. I never want to lose you, but I'm falling. You'll never noticed them.