Current Situation

I really feel like Bella Swan in New Moon. Where two persons that she loved, hurts her. I feel her when she was in pain. When she's scared, no one was there to console her.

I hate night time. It means another lonely night. It means another nightmare of being alone. It means the day past by just like the other days.

I used to love night time. When I can hear your voice and smile as I fall asleep. It brings us closer together. You are the nicest and caring guy I've met. It cuts real deep when the words you say were all empty. When sweet messages were gone, when I keep checking on my sms to see your messages.

I'm not sure what is going on. It seems like I am always the one who starts the arguments and it will leaves us both shattered. But, now, I'm not even sure whether we are perfect for each other. I don't even feel like getting angry with you, because it just not worth it. My feelings are numb. I rather feel the pain than the numbness. At least, it shows that I still do love you.

I think my mom sensed something is amidst between us. But, I just could not tell her why.

Changed for the better if you love that person. If you refused, leave that person, so he/she can find another soul mate to love and to be loved.

I'm not a student, not yet a working adult

Febuary 18 was the last post, and that was because things was'nt going quite right for me. Well, maybe to make the story short, I withdraw from my school. I've killed myself in the future. Well, that was what it seems to my parents.

Yeap, Febuary 22, finally I've made my decision, gather up my courage to stand up for my beliefs and my parents mind and to save myself from committing suicide, I withdraw from my school. The dreams of getting a degree from a new institute in 2 years time is gone and so does my parents' dreams. Now, I have no idea what to do.

Honestly, I feel relieved after signing my withdrawal form. Its a shame because it seems like a good opportunity for my parents and for some. Where, the fees are subsidized heavily, you get to be a full-time student, you won't get stressed and tired easily and you will get a decent high-pay job.

Sometimes, I feel like as if this is my parents' dream. I know they want to see me succeed. But, its not that I give up studying. I still want to continue study, I still do want a degree, a decent high-pay job and I still do want to make my parents happy. But, its obvious, I can't study the course that I was in. Simply because, I've lost my interest and my passion to be the next game designer. I am struggling in school. No one knows, only me and Allah. Its really frustrating that everyday, you have to stay back, to keep asking your lecturers how to do the basic stuff. No matter how much effort I tried to put in, I still could not grasp the concept. Somehow, my brain stops automatically when it sees MAT 140 - LINEAR ALGEBRA, CS120 - C PROGRAMMING. It just stop and wont work.

I really believed that in Digipen, you have to know that what you are taking is what you want to be in the future. As for me, I came in, I did'nt really know what I want. I thought that maybe I can change my job prospect, but well, the course was not for me.

That was why I decided to withdraw. I mean, even if I continue, it will be useless. My brain and my heart are working together perfectly fine and refused to work. For two weeks, I've been skipping classes and exploring the other side of Singapore. It actually helps me a lot. I was calmed when I made my decision.

My parents were disappointed, but they do not forced me to continue. That's a relief. But its irritating and frustrating when they keep saying that they are not allowing me to get another degree. They are not going to pay for my degree. They want me to work and stay as diploma holder forever. It hurts a lot when your parents say something like that. Although it can sometimes be a joke. They will never understand why I've made my decision. Keep accusing me that I'm more to social life rather than to study. I need it, social life is a way to de-stress. They expect me to find work that is related to the field of my study, as long as its IT related, and most of the job they found for me is networking. I HATE NETWORKING.

THEY WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

The irritating part of my parents is that they always think studying is always important. In their mind, it was being programmed such that any educational channels are good, going to school and not withdrawing are good and going to university and have a PHD is better. Better than watching and learning about the asian performing arts.

I guess I get my negativity from them.

Good night!.

Hachiko

I guess most of you have watched Hachiko or heard of this loyal and faithful dog. I just watched it today. I was really touched. If only humans are faithful and loyal to their partner. Honestly, if only there's no restrictions against dogs, I will want to find a dog which is faithful and loyal.

You feel happy when you know someone is there by your side. You feel so loved, when someone awaits for your return and always make sure you were off safely. How lucky can that person be?.

Smoking Vs Shisha

Smoking Kills. Guess what, I have no freaking idea what is wrong with me. Recently, I went to a shop just to browse through all the cigarettes. I almost bought one, but the images on the cigarette box stops me. What the hell, was I thinking? I have no idea. I can't stop thinking about smoking lately. Even in my dreams, I was smoking. Happily smoking. But, hell no I am not going near it or even touch it.

Really, I hate the smell of cigarette and I used to tell my friends to smoke further from me. Well, somehow now I am accustomed to it.


Well, what I really need is Shisha. Am I addicted to it?. Not really. Long time I never Shisha, though. The last time I did was on the second week of January this year.....oh shit.

But Shisha is nice. Although I know its deadly then cigarettes, but I like the smell of it. And I like the feeling after having Shisha.

Haji Lane anyone?

Pathways to success

I have four pathways. Three of them will lead me to success. The other one does not.

However, these three pathways, there's a door in each pathway. These doors is locked.

The first door, there was a key lying. However, the key does not fit the keyhole. No matter how many times I tried to fit it in, it still does not work. I shall not wait to see what it has.

The second door, was empty. No light. No sign of a key. However, I feel like there's something powerful behind it. Something that is worth finding out and wait.

Then, there's the third door. That door is quite peculiar. There's a key and oh yes, it fits the keyhole. But, the door remains locked. No matter how many times I tried to unlock it, it does not buldge. I keep on trying and trying and even hold on to that key.

Then, the fourth one. The door is opened, welcoming me to enter it. The pathway looks like an easy journey. However, looks can be deceiving.

Then, there I was. Still standing, waiting for the right key for the first door, waiting for the second door to lit up, still griping on to the key of the third door and still wandering to take the easy choice.

That's how my situation is right now. The key is a symbol of hope. The door is a symbol of a gate to my success. The pathway is my journey to success. I need one of the gate to be open, for me to embark on my journey to success. I think for the gate to be open, you need to work harder and wait patiently, praying that it will one day be open.

The first door: I'm waiting for them to accept me and interview me.
The key: I'd hand in my resume. I had everything they wanted. However, I'm not sure whether I'm the one they wanted.
The journey: Working as video-editor with MOE.

The second door: I am/still waiting for AED job. Allied Educator Job. However, it's not up yet.

The third door: Is whether I can fight my own feelings and my own struggles with the subjects I'm taking.
The key: Its the only hope for me to get a good life, yet, I'm struggling.
The journey: Becoming a game designer or having a good degree that can lead me to anywhere.

The fourth door: Is open.
The key: Is already there.
The journey: Staying at home. Doing nothing. It will lasts for a week. Because I cant really sit at home, doing nothing.

So yeah. I have no idea what is going on now. I'm skipping classes. My parents have no idea that I've been skipping classes. I only went for this one class, where we are to create our own board gaming. I wanted something like that.

I just hope and pray for the best.

I'm not going to be fooled by your words anymore. Must I wait for your messages? Must I wait for you to call me? I'm not trying to pick on you, but look, what am I supposed to do? Just keep quiet? Let it be? Self-blaming myself when I have not yet anything wrong. We are in the situation where you yourself told me, this relationship can work if and only we have communication and cooperation. But, do we have them?

Ever since that incident, you have been keeping your distance from me. Your tone of messages and call, I knew something was not right, but you denied them. You want me to give you a chance, I will never give you up, but you are not cooperating. I do not want to tell you this, because I do not want you to think that I am picking on you. But...

You have no idea how patience I am with you. Why is it that when I gave you chances, it's easy for us to forgive? But when I ask you for another chance, you keep me hanging?

My patience is running out. If you are unwilling, its best to end. Seriously, I know it will be my lost, but I think my feelings will run out too if you are not doing your part. Right now, it is running out.

Alhamdulilah, my mom is recovering from her major operation. It pains me to see her in that state. That painful state where only she and Allah knows. I hope she recover fast. I hope nothing happens to her. Yes! I'm scared of losing her. Losing her is like losing half of my other soul. I do not even know whether I can survive living without her. It seems like mother knows everything. I know it sounds tragic. Everyone loves their mother, but it is different from me. You see, I'm the only girl that both of parents do (I have to admit) doted on and (I hate to admit) spoiled me. At times, I do get what I want, and I'll be like a cat, purring at them until I get it, and when I do not get it, I'll sulked. (Hey! sounds familiar.)

I'll hate them for a short period of time. The moment will be lost and we will be talking and teasing at each other. I do love my parents. When I look at my mom, she reminds me of my late grandmother. The ever loving and patience grandmother on earth. I still have this guild feeling where I should have been at the hospital when she wants to see us. But, my mom is a replica of my grandmother. I know she's taking over my grandmother role, since she is the eldest. I know she is worried about herself and others. I am too. I have this feeling that I might be like my mom soon. I can get a bit worried especially when it comes to my parents.

Well, I hope she recovers soon, so I can see her.

I do not know why I'm always thinking negative. Its like nothing positive is coming up. I have to endure so many hardship. What's with my mom's condition, my studies, my future and my feelings. I do not know why I always had this feeling where you are no longer interested in me anymore. Really. I know its the end of our honeymoon period. But, I really do not feel the sparks anymore. I'm not sure how couples should feel after their honeymoon period. I wanted to be everything for you, but it seems to me that I've failed doing so. I've failed to make you smile. I've failed to make you laugh. I have no idea whether I'm good for you. I am actually scared to call you. Its not once or twice your tone is rough. It seems like almost everytime when I want to call you, your tone is rough, like as if I'm calling you is a burden. I do not know whether its just me. Really. I am so paranoid, that eventually everything that I did seems wrong.

Sometimes, I dont think you understand what is happening. The reason I'm like this is because of the incident (I do not wished to state here, but you should know), is that you've lied and you've misused my trust. Even when I confront you, you still have the cheek to lie to me. I tried to put it aside and hoping that you will prove that you will not do it. But, it does not happen that way. Instead, you are making me worried and paranoid. Becuase you know why, my trust in you is completely gone. I'm not sure whether I should continue this. Becuase I will ended up hating myself that hating you. It's frustrating you know, frustrating. I do not know whether you read this. But, I do not know what's going to happen. I never want to lose you, but I'm falling. You'll never noticed them.