Hachiko

I guess most of you have watched Hachiko or heard of this loyal and faithful dog. I just watched it today. I was really touched. If only humans are faithful and loyal to their partner. Honestly, if only there's no restrictions against dogs, I will want to find a dog which is faithful and loyal.

You feel happy when you know someone is there by your side. You feel so loved, when someone awaits for your return and always make sure you were off safely. How lucky can that person be?.

Smoking Vs Shisha

Smoking Kills. Guess what, I have no freaking idea what is wrong with me. Recently, I went to a shop just to browse through all the cigarettes. I almost bought one, but the images on the cigarette box stops me. What the hell, was I thinking? I have no idea. I can't stop thinking about smoking lately. Even in my dreams, I was smoking. Happily smoking. But, hell no I am not going near it or even touch it.

Really, I hate the smell of cigarette and I used to tell my friends to smoke further from me. Well, somehow now I am accustomed to it.


Well, what I really need is Shisha. Am I addicted to it?. Not really. Long time I never Shisha, though. The last time I did was on the second week of January this year.....oh shit.

But Shisha is nice. Although I know its deadly then cigarettes, but I like the smell of it. And I like the feeling after having Shisha.

Haji Lane anyone?

Pathways to success

I have four pathways. Three of them will lead me to success. The other one does not.

However, these three pathways, there's a door in each pathway. These doors is locked.

The first door, there was a key lying. However, the key does not fit the keyhole. No matter how many times I tried to fit it in, it still does not work. I shall not wait to see what it has.

The second door, was empty. No light. No sign of a key. However, I feel like there's something powerful behind it. Something that is worth finding out and wait.

Then, there's the third door. That door is quite peculiar. There's a key and oh yes, it fits the keyhole. But, the door remains locked. No matter how many times I tried to unlock it, it does not buldge. I keep on trying and trying and even hold on to that key.

Then, the fourth one. The door is opened, welcoming me to enter it. The pathway looks like an easy journey. However, looks can be deceiving.

Then, there I was. Still standing, waiting for the right key for the first door, waiting for the second door to lit up, still griping on to the key of the third door and still wandering to take the easy choice.

That's how my situation is right now. The key is a symbol of hope. The door is a symbol of a gate to my success. The pathway is my journey to success. I need one of the gate to be open, for me to embark on my journey to success. I think for the gate to be open, you need to work harder and wait patiently, praying that it will one day be open.

The first door: I'm waiting for them to accept me and interview me.
The key: I'd hand in my resume. I had everything they wanted. However, I'm not sure whether I'm the one they wanted.
The journey: Working as video-editor with MOE.

The second door: I am/still waiting for AED job. Allied Educator Job. However, it's not up yet.

The third door: Is whether I can fight my own feelings and my own struggles with the subjects I'm taking.
The key: Its the only hope for me to get a good life, yet, I'm struggling.
The journey: Becoming a game designer or having a good degree that can lead me to anywhere.

The fourth door: Is open.
The key: Is already there.
The journey: Staying at home. Doing nothing. It will lasts for a week. Because I cant really sit at home, doing nothing.

So yeah. I have no idea what is going on now. I'm skipping classes. My parents have no idea that I've been skipping classes. I only went for this one class, where we are to create our own board gaming. I wanted something like that.

I just hope and pray for the best.

I'm not going to be fooled by your words anymore. Must I wait for your messages? Must I wait for you to call me? I'm not trying to pick on you, but look, what am I supposed to do? Just keep quiet? Let it be? Self-blaming myself when I have not yet anything wrong. We are in the situation where you yourself told me, this relationship can work if and only we have communication and cooperation. But, do we have them?

Ever since that incident, you have been keeping your distance from me. Your tone of messages and call, I knew something was not right, but you denied them. You want me to give you a chance, I will never give you up, but you are not cooperating. I do not want to tell you this, because I do not want you to think that I am picking on you. But...

You have no idea how patience I am with you. Why is it that when I gave you chances, it's easy for us to forgive? But when I ask you for another chance, you keep me hanging?

My patience is running out. If you are unwilling, its best to end. Seriously, I know it will be my lost, but I think my feelings will run out too if you are not doing your part. Right now, it is running out.

Alhamdulilah, my mom is recovering from her major operation. It pains me to see her in that state. That painful state where only she and Allah knows. I hope she recover fast. I hope nothing happens to her. Yes! I'm scared of losing her. Losing her is like losing half of my other soul. I do not even know whether I can survive living without her. It seems like mother knows everything. I know it sounds tragic. Everyone loves their mother, but it is different from me. You see, I'm the only girl that both of parents do (I have to admit) doted on and (I hate to admit) spoiled me. At times, I do get what I want, and I'll be like a cat, purring at them until I get it, and when I do not get it, I'll sulked. (Hey! sounds familiar.)

I'll hate them for a short period of time. The moment will be lost and we will be talking and teasing at each other. I do love my parents. When I look at my mom, she reminds me of my late grandmother. The ever loving and patience grandmother on earth. I still have this guild feeling where I should have been at the hospital when she wants to see us. But, my mom is a replica of my grandmother. I know she's taking over my grandmother role, since she is the eldest. I know she is worried about herself and others. I am too. I have this feeling that I might be like my mom soon. I can get a bit worried especially when it comes to my parents.

Well, I hope she recovers soon, so I can see her.

I do not know why I'm always thinking negative. Its like nothing positive is coming up. I have to endure so many hardship. What's with my mom's condition, my studies, my future and my feelings. I do not know why I always had this feeling where you are no longer interested in me anymore. Really. I know its the end of our honeymoon period. But, I really do not feel the sparks anymore. I'm not sure how couples should feel after their honeymoon period. I wanted to be everything for you, but it seems to me that I've failed doing so. I've failed to make you smile. I've failed to make you laugh. I have no idea whether I'm good for you. I am actually scared to call you. Its not once or twice your tone is rough. It seems like almost everytime when I want to call you, your tone is rough, like as if I'm calling you is a burden. I do not know whether its just me. Really. I am so paranoid, that eventually everything that I did seems wrong.

Sometimes, I dont think you understand what is happening. The reason I'm like this is because of the incident (I do not wished to state here, but you should know), is that you've lied and you've misused my trust. Even when I confront you, you still have the cheek to lie to me. I tried to put it aside and hoping that you will prove that you will not do it. But, it does not happen that way. Instead, you are making me worried and paranoid. Becuase you know why, my trust in you is completely gone. I'm not sure whether I should continue this. Becuase I will ended up hating myself that hating you. It's frustrating you know, frustrating. I do not know whether you read this. But, I do not know what's going to happen. I never want to lose you, but I'm falling. You'll never noticed them.

Boys are so damn typical

Boys are so damn typical.

When they do not get 'it'. They sulks. They tried hard to get it, by sweet messages, words and promising future, but once told off, they are quiet, and once they get it, they move away from you.

Right people?

I got too much prove to proof I'm right. Of course, I'm not saying all boys. For example my elder brother isn't one of them.

Peace!

RUN

I thought the year 2011 is going to bring me some promises. I thought this blog will never have a sad and depressed post. I never thought the year 2011 will bring the worst of me.

I feel like I'm losing control of myself. My self-confidence, self-motivation and pride are long gone. My emotions seems to take control of me. I feel like I'm caught in a sorrow, drowning from my sorrow. My past keeps hauntig me, in my dreams. And when I thought I would wake up from a terrible nightmare, it does not end there.

Everywhere I go, whatever I do, I feel like nothing can cheer me up. I dont even know how to smile sincerely. Things are getting worst in my life. I'm failing and I'm falling. Anything can happen in between. I'm 22 and I will be 23 this year. I still am having this uneasy feeling, the feeling of uncertainty. I'm not sure about my future, like how I used to have. I feel like giving up a lot of things, and in which some of it may left me hurt and affects my future. But time is running out. I have to make the decision even if it means hurting myself because I have no choice.

The decision of continuing my studies was indeed a wrong move. The reason why I continue is because I do not want to waste money. In which it is a wrong reason for that kind of decision. The other reason why I continue is because he object towards it.

For decades, I've been doing what I've been told. Sometimes, I feel like I'm doing it for a particular wrong reasons. A reason to impress my parents. To make them feel proud of me. I've never been a bright student like my brother. I've failed two main subjects during my PSLE time. I ended up studying at Teck Whye, Normal Academic. However, I know I've been working hard and practicing it every day that suddenly, I was good. It felt good being good. I've taught my friends. I finished my homework. I did the problems before the classes starts. I feel damn good.

That's when my confidence grew. My self-motivation arose. My pride increased. I started to develop my own principles of lives. I'm in control of everything. Even in my poly days. Where I had new friends, who always make my day. Those four factors grew in me stronger. I've accepted more people in my lives, as long as they accepted me. I was blinded by believing that everyone is good. I never see the bad in them.

Then, there's work. I love my work. It grew on me. I felt so good. I felt so proud. I felt like I know my future is going to be good. But, it was gone. Everything was gone. From the moment I started to use Myspace.com and Tagged.com, and step at Digipen, everything was wiped away. My principles was gone, my confidence were limited, and I could not tell the right and the bad ones. My life was ruined with just a click of my mouse. I should never have done that. I should never be so bold to date guys. Guys who practically make me fall and never did try to save me. It does not ends there. Guys after guys, and none of them are able to save me.

I just hate myself for ended up like this. Never ever in my mind, that I will end up shrewd. I hate the problems or challenges that I was given. I hate whatever that is happening now in my life. I hate school. I hate studying the subjects that I hate. I hate doing a project that I do not want to do. I hate not knowing. I hate waiting for nothing. I hate doing for nothing. I hate checking for nothing. I hate learning for nothing. I hate worrying and freaking out for nothing. I hate getting mad at myself. I hate not having the freedom. I hate every single things!

And to make it worst, I hate you for not supporting me! I hate you for not being there for me! I hate you for making my life miserable! I hate you for making things more undesirable! I hate you for making myself lose control!

AND I HATE YOU FOR EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THINGS!.