I thought the year 2011 is going to bring me some promises. I thought this blog will never have a sad and depressed post. I never thought the year 2011 will bring the worst of me.
I feel like I'm losing control of myself. My self-confidence, self-motivation and pride are long gone. My emotions seems to take control of me. I feel like I'm caught in a sorrow, drowning from my sorrow. My past keeps hauntig me, in my dreams. And when I thought I would wake up from a terrible nightmare, it does not end there.
Everywhere I go, whatever I do, I feel like nothing can cheer me up. I dont even know how to smile sincerely. Things are getting worst in my life. I'm failing and I'm falling. Anything can happen in between. I'm 22 and I will be 23 this year. I still am having this uneasy feeling, the feeling of uncertainty. I'm not sure about my future, like how I used to have. I feel like giving up a lot of things, and in which some of it may left me hurt and affects my future. But time is running out. I have to make the decision even if it means hurting myself because I have no choice.
The decision of continuing my studies was indeed a wrong move. The reason why I continue is because I do not want to waste money. In which it is a wrong reason for that kind of decision. The other reason why I continue is because he object towards it.
For decades, I've been doing what I've been told. Sometimes, I feel like I'm doing it for a particular wrong reasons. A reason to impress my parents. To make them feel proud of me. I've never been a bright student like my brother. I've failed two main subjects during my PSLE time. I ended up studying at Teck Whye, Normal Academic. However, I know I've been working hard and practicing it every day that suddenly, I was good. It felt good being good. I've taught my friends. I finished my homework. I did the problems before the classes starts. I feel damn good.
That's when my confidence grew. My self-motivation arose. My pride increased. I started to develop my own principles of lives. I'm in control of everything. Even in my poly days. Where I had new friends, who always make my day. Those four factors grew in me stronger. I've accepted more people in my lives, as long as they accepted me. I was blinded by believing that everyone is good. I never see the bad in them.
Then, there's work. I love my work. It grew on me. I felt so good. I felt so proud. I felt like I know my future is going to be good. But, it was gone. Everything was gone. From the moment I started to use Myspace.com and Tagged.com, and step at Digipen, everything was wiped away. My principles was gone, my confidence were limited, and I could not tell the right and the bad ones. My life was ruined with just a click of my mouse. I should never have done that. I should never be so bold to date guys. Guys who practically make me fall and never did try to save me. It does not ends there. Guys after guys, and none of them are able to save me.
I just hate myself for ended up like this. Never ever in my mind, that I will end up shrewd. I hate the problems or challenges that I was given. I hate whatever that is happening now in my life. I hate school. I hate studying the subjects that I hate. I hate doing a project that I do not want to do. I hate not knowing. I hate waiting for nothing. I hate doing for nothing. I hate checking for nothing. I hate learning for nothing. I hate worrying and freaking out for nothing. I hate getting mad at myself. I hate not having the freedom. I hate every single things!
And to make it worst, I hate you for not supporting me! I hate you for not being there for me! I hate you for making my life miserable! I hate you for making things more undesirable! I hate you for making myself lose control!
AND I HATE YOU FOR EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THINGS!.
