At this moment, all I want is to be in your arms, hugging you tightly and inhaling your smell.

I know I'm making a fool out of myself, if I say this. Its just that I feel so lonely. My handphone is not ringing. My msn is quiet. My tagged has no new emails. I feel so lonely, like I wanted you to call me, to tell me that everything is going to be alright. But it will never going to happen.

I know its easy to fool people to think that I've already moved on, but who am I to fool myself? I myself am still stuck in a situation where I am still trying to move on, but this feelings are keeping me away from it.

Whatever that I do, the only person that always comes to my mind has always been you. Even at night, I'm still waiting for you to call me and wishing me goodnight. Dreaming everyday that I am back at your arms. Enjoying each other's company and loving every moments of it. Even I know it will never happen, but I hope that one day it will happen.

The only thing that keeps me going is my circle of friends, my family and my work. I really do love you, but I'm always ended up hurting. I do not know why. But, I really miss the moments we had and share.

Even now I'm hurting. Haiz.

Suddenly I feel so alone and a fool.

For the rest of my life

This is to dedicate to the people who had been in my life whom I shed tears for, whom I truly love and also to people who have always been beside me. Motivating me and making my life full of happiness and laughter. You know who you are, Farah and Khad!

For no matter what happens, I hope our bond is strong for the rest of my life. I think without you people I do not think I'll be surviving!. =)

I praise Allah for sending me you my love*
You found me home and sail with me
And I`m here with you
Now let me let you know
You've opened my heart
I was always thinkin' that love was wrong
But everything was changed when you came along
Oooooh
And there's a couple of words I wanna say

For the rest of my life
I`ll be with you
I`ll stay by your side honest and true
Until the end of my time
I`ll be loving you, loving you
For the rest of my life
Through days and nights
I'll thank Allah for opening my eyes
Now and forever I
I`ll be there for you

I know it deep in my heart
I feel so blessed when I think of U
And I ask Allah to bless all we do
You`re my wife & my friend & my strength
And I pray we`re together in Jannah
Now I find myself I feel so strong
I guess everything was changed when you came along
Oooooh
And there's a couple of words I wanna say

[ Maher Zain Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
For the rest of my life
I`ll be with you
I`ll stay by your side honest and true
Until the end of my time
I`ll be loving you, loving you
For the rest of my life
Through days and nights
I'll thank Allah for opening my eyes
Now and forever I
I`ll be there for you

I know it deep in my heart
& now that you`re here
In front of me I strongly feel love
And I have no doubt
And I sing it loud that I will love U eternally

For the rest of my life
I`ll be with you
I`ll stay by your side honest and true
Until the end of my time
I`ll be loving you, loving you
For the rest of my life
Through days and nights
I'll thank Allah for opening my eyes
Now and forever I
I`ll be there for you

I know it deep in my heart

Thank You For Loving Me

My feelings are betraying me. I know, I thought I was strong. In the end, I crumble and fall again. I wish I am strong.

All those words that I say to you was mean and hurtful. I did that because I was so angry and too hurt. But, I never meant it. I know you might be laughing, because in the end I fell. I know some of my friends might get angry with me for apologizing to you, but all the while, during our relationship, I've been taking you for granted. But, I dont blame myself for all these. I know, if I've been nice and give you more attention, maybe you wouldn't flirt, then we won't end this way.

I've missed your warm hugs, your kisses, your affections, your generousity and your care. Most of all, I missed being with you. But, I do hate some of your attitude, but I guess, I should have accepted it. I love you with all my heart.

When I listen to Bon Jovi, Thank You For Loving Me, I can't believe my tears just come out like nobody business and its hard to stop, because each and every part of the words mean something to me. It means being with you. Today, my heart almost stop beating when I bump to a colleague of mine. Becuase he looks like exactly like you. Black wavy hair that I love to run through. Black bushy eyebrows that I love to comb with my fingers. The eyes, that is full of love and affections and the lips that are soft, whenever our lips met. But, there is no boncits.

I know, I should not make this hard for you. But, sometimes, I just wished our hearts changed. But, I'm not sure whether you would want me back. For I've been nothing to you and you've been everything to me.

That was one of the major mistake I did. I pray to him, that I will never do this again. I dedicate this song to you, the one that I will always love, by Bon Jovi, Thank You For Loving Me.

April 2010 - March 2011 is a memory that will be buried deep inside.

Well. We. Are. Over. Alhamdulilah.

I know you must think that I'm crazy or mad to be thankful that it was over. A relationship that used to make me glow, finally ended.

Honestly, I've been crying my heart out, just wanting to hear his voice and his warm hug. Feeling desperate to actually wants him back in my life. But Allah had showed me. Thats the reason why I am thankful. He showed me, that no matter how much I love him, I will still be hurt, because of his insensitive attitude.

We were supposed to meet up to end it nicely, since I really love our relationship. I've been thinking a lot too, to maybe save our relationship, because I love him.

But, it all went down the drain. He just have to burst my bubble. Instead of seeing me, he claims he is going out with his brother. I have no problem with this.

But, the problem that I had was why can't he tell me earlier on?. He knows I'm meeting him. Have I've been dating a dumb guy who have no initiative? He should have the initiative to at least message me that he is going out with his brother. Instead, no. He waited. He only told me this after when I was about to leave work and when I message him, where to meet?. Tell, me, don't you think he is being insensitive?. Come on la, he already meet his brother on Sunday to go IT Show and then he is the one who decide not to put our relationship status without even asking my opinion. He did this after the IT Show.

Now, the only thing that is in my mind is just you have someone, you do not want to tell, fear of hurting me. Well, whatever it is. I'm hurt and miserable. To think that I spend and waste my 1 year being with you hurts me. Now, I know why all those tears for. They are never meant for you. They were meant for me, my misery.

No matter how much I hated you. But, I do love you too. Its just, its not enough for me. I can't go out with someone insensitive. No wonder, I keep thinking negative about you, and that was because your attitude does nothing to keep the smile on my face.

I wish you all the best for your future endeavours. I hope, you do really learnt from this and changed your attitude. I do not regret my actions. Thank you for loving me, but I guess it was not enough.

PS: I don't mind being friends with you, just in case you need my listening ear and advise in the future. Alhamdulilah. I was offered a permanent post with Mendaki as Executive Admin. At least, there is something for me to do and look forward too.

Chameleon.

I wish I'm beautiful and slimmer. I wish I'm hardworking and smart. I wish I'm funny and outgoing. I wish I'm someone people will look up to.

But I'm not anything like it. I'm just a nobody. People will never noticed me. People will use me. I'm like a chameleon.

I'm so worried. I can't stop coughing. I'm not sure whether I wanted to see the doctor, I'm afraid that there is something not right. I'm so worried for whatever happens to me, will affect my future. Yeah, I'm paranoid. But, that's how I was born. I'm really am worried.

Current Situation

I really feel like Bella Swan in New Moon. Where two persons that she loved, hurts her. I feel her when she was in pain. When she's scared, no one was there to console her.

I hate night time. It means another lonely night. It means another nightmare of being alone. It means the day past by just like the other days.

I used to love night time. When I can hear your voice and smile as I fall asleep. It brings us closer together. You are the nicest and caring guy I've met. It cuts real deep when the words you say were all empty. When sweet messages were gone, when I keep checking on my sms to see your messages.

I'm not sure what is going on. It seems like I am always the one who starts the arguments and it will leaves us both shattered. But, now, I'm not even sure whether we are perfect for each other. I don't even feel like getting angry with you, because it just not worth it. My feelings are numb. I rather feel the pain than the numbness. At least, it shows that I still do love you.

I think my mom sensed something is amidst between us. But, I just could not tell her why.

Changed for the better if you love that person. If you refused, leave that person, so he/she can find another soul mate to love and to be loved.

I'm not a student, not yet a working adult

Febuary 18 was the last post, and that was because things was'nt going quite right for me. Well, maybe to make the story short, I withdraw from my school. I've killed myself in the future. Well, that was what it seems to my parents.

Yeap, Febuary 22, finally I've made my decision, gather up my courage to stand up for my beliefs and my parents mind and to save myself from committing suicide, I withdraw from my school. The dreams of getting a degree from a new institute in 2 years time is gone and so does my parents' dreams. Now, I have no idea what to do.

Honestly, I feel relieved after signing my withdrawal form. Its a shame because it seems like a good opportunity for my parents and for some. Where, the fees are subsidized heavily, you get to be a full-time student, you won't get stressed and tired easily and you will get a decent high-pay job.

Sometimes, I feel like as if this is my parents' dream. I know they want to see me succeed. But, its not that I give up studying. I still want to continue study, I still do want a degree, a decent high-pay job and I still do want to make my parents happy. But, its obvious, I can't study the course that I was in. Simply because, I've lost my interest and my passion to be the next game designer. I am struggling in school. No one knows, only me and Allah. Its really frustrating that everyday, you have to stay back, to keep asking your lecturers how to do the basic stuff. No matter how much effort I tried to put in, I still could not grasp the concept. Somehow, my brain stops automatically when it sees MAT 140 - LINEAR ALGEBRA, CS120 - C PROGRAMMING. It just stop and wont work.

I really believed that in Digipen, you have to know that what you are taking is what you want to be in the future. As for me, I came in, I did'nt really know what I want. I thought that maybe I can change my job prospect, but well, the course was not for me.

That was why I decided to withdraw. I mean, even if I continue, it will be useless. My brain and my heart are working together perfectly fine and refused to work. For two weeks, I've been skipping classes and exploring the other side of Singapore. It actually helps me a lot. I was calmed when I made my decision.

My parents were disappointed, but they do not forced me to continue. That's a relief. But its irritating and frustrating when they keep saying that they are not allowing me to get another degree. They are not going to pay for my degree. They want me to work and stay as diploma holder forever. It hurts a lot when your parents say something like that. Although it can sometimes be a joke. They will never understand why I've made my decision. Keep accusing me that I'm more to social life rather than to study. I need it, social life is a way to de-stress. They expect me to find work that is related to the field of my study, as long as its IT related, and most of the job they found for me is networking. I HATE NETWORKING.

THEY WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

The irritating part of my parents is that they always think studying is always important. In their mind, it was being programmed such that any educational channels are good, going to school and not withdrawing are good and going to university and have a PHD is better. Better than watching and learning about the asian performing arts.

I guess I get my negativity from them.

Good night!.

Hachiko

I guess most of you have watched Hachiko or heard of this loyal and faithful dog. I just watched it today. I was really touched. If only humans are faithful and loyal to their partner. Honestly, if only there's no restrictions against dogs, I will want to find a dog which is faithful and loyal.

You feel happy when you know someone is there by your side. You feel so loved, when someone awaits for your return and always make sure you were off safely. How lucky can that person be?.

Smoking Vs Shisha

Smoking Kills. Guess what, I have no freaking idea what is wrong with me. Recently, I went to a shop just to browse through all the cigarettes. I almost bought one, but the images on the cigarette box stops me. What the hell, was I thinking? I have no idea. I can't stop thinking about smoking lately. Even in my dreams, I was smoking. Happily smoking. But, hell no I am not going near it or even touch it.

Really, I hate the smell of cigarette and I used to tell my friends to smoke further from me. Well, somehow now I am accustomed to it.


Well, what I really need is Shisha. Am I addicted to it?. Not really. Long time I never Shisha, though. The last time I did was on the second week of January this year.....oh shit.

But Shisha is nice. Although I know its deadly then cigarettes, but I like the smell of it. And I like the feeling after having Shisha.

Haji Lane anyone?

Pathways to success

I have four pathways. Three of them will lead me to success. The other one does not.

However, these three pathways, there's a door in each pathway. These doors is locked.

The first door, there was a key lying. However, the key does not fit the keyhole. No matter how many times I tried to fit it in, it still does not work. I shall not wait to see what it has.

The second door, was empty. No light. No sign of a key. However, I feel like there's something powerful behind it. Something that is worth finding out and wait.

Then, there's the third door. That door is quite peculiar. There's a key and oh yes, it fits the keyhole. But, the door remains locked. No matter how many times I tried to unlock it, it does not buldge. I keep on trying and trying and even hold on to that key.

Then, the fourth one. The door is opened, welcoming me to enter it. The pathway looks like an easy journey. However, looks can be deceiving.

Then, there I was. Still standing, waiting for the right key for the first door, waiting for the second door to lit up, still griping on to the key of the third door and still wandering to take the easy choice.

That's how my situation is right now. The key is a symbol of hope. The door is a symbol of a gate to my success. The pathway is my journey to success. I need one of the gate to be open, for me to embark on my journey to success. I think for the gate to be open, you need to work harder and wait patiently, praying that it will one day be open.

The first door: I'm waiting for them to accept me and interview me.
The key: I'd hand in my resume. I had everything they wanted. However, I'm not sure whether I'm the one they wanted.
The journey: Working as video-editor with MOE.

The second door: I am/still waiting for AED job. Allied Educator Job. However, it's not up yet.

The third door: Is whether I can fight my own feelings and my own struggles with the subjects I'm taking.
The key: Its the only hope for me to get a good life, yet, I'm struggling.
The journey: Becoming a game designer or having a good degree that can lead me to anywhere.

The fourth door: Is open.
The key: Is already there.
The journey: Staying at home. Doing nothing. It will lasts for a week. Because I cant really sit at home, doing nothing.

So yeah. I have no idea what is going on now. I'm skipping classes. My parents have no idea that I've been skipping classes. I only went for this one class, where we are to create our own board gaming. I wanted something like that.

I just hope and pray for the best.

I'm not going to be fooled by your words anymore. Must I wait for your messages? Must I wait for you to call me? I'm not trying to pick on you, but look, what am I supposed to do? Just keep quiet? Let it be? Self-blaming myself when I have not yet anything wrong. We are in the situation where you yourself told me, this relationship can work if and only we have communication and cooperation. But, do we have them?

Ever since that incident, you have been keeping your distance from me. Your tone of messages and call, I knew something was not right, but you denied them. You want me to give you a chance, I will never give you up, but you are not cooperating. I do not want to tell you this, because I do not want you to think that I am picking on you. But...

You have no idea how patience I am with you. Why is it that when I gave you chances, it's easy for us to forgive? But when I ask you for another chance, you keep me hanging?

My patience is running out. If you are unwilling, its best to end. Seriously, I know it will be my lost, but I think my feelings will run out too if you are not doing your part. Right now, it is running out.

Alhamdulilah, my mom is recovering from her major operation. It pains me to see her in that state. That painful state where only she and Allah knows. I hope she recover fast. I hope nothing happens to her. Yes! I'm scared of losing her. Losing her is like losing half of my other soul. I do not even know whether I can survive living without her. It seems like mother knows everything. I know it sounds tragic. Everyone loves their mother, but it is different from me. You see, I'm the only girl that both of parents do (I have to admit) doted on and (I hate to admit) spoiled me. At times, I do get what I want, and I'll be like a cat, purring at them until I get it, and when I do not get it, I'll sulked. (Hey! sounds familiar.)

I'll hate them for a short period of time. The moment will be lost and we will be talking and teasing at each other. I do love my parents. When I look at my mom, she reminds me of my late grandmother. The ever loving and patience grandmother on earth. I still have this guild feeling where I should have been at the hospital when she wants to see us. But, my mom is a replica of my grandmother. I know she's taking over my grandmother role, since she is the eldest. I know she is worried about herself and others. I am too. I have this feeling that I might be like my mom soon. I can get a bit worried especially when it comes to my parents.

Well, I hope she recovers soon, so I can see her.

I do not know why I'm always thinking negative. Its like nothing positive is coming up. I have to endure so many hardship. What's with my mom's condition, my studies, my future and my feelings. I do not know why I always had this feeling where you are no longer interested in me anymore. Really. I know its the end of our honeymoon period. But, I really do not feel the sparks anymore. I'm not sure how couples should feel after their honeymoon period. I wanted to be everything for you, but it seems to me that I've failed doing so. I've failed to make you smile. I've failed to make you laugh. I have no idea whether I'm good for you. I am actually scared to call you. Its not once or twice your tone is rough. It seems like almost everytime when I want to call you, your tone is rough, like as if I'm calling you is a burden. I do not know whether its just me. Really. I am so paranoid, that eventually everything that I did seems wrong.

Sometimes, I dont think you understand what is happening. The reason I'm like this is because of the incident (I do not wished to state here, but you should know), is that you've lied and you've misused my trust. Even when I confront you, you still have the cheek to lie to me. I tried to put it aside and hoping that you will prove that you will not do it. But, it does not happen that way. Instead, you are making me worried and paranoid. Becuase you know why, my trust in you is completely gone. I'm not sure whether I should continue this. Becuase I will ended up hating myself that hating you. It's frustrating you know, frustrating. I do not know whether you read this. But, I do not know what's going to happen. I never want to lose you, but I'm falling. You'll never noticed them.

Boys are so damn typical

Boys are so damn typical.

When they do not get 'it'. They sulks. They tried hard to get it, by sweet messages, words and promising future, but once told off, they are quiet, and once they get it, they move away from you.

Right people?

I got too much prove to proof I'm right. Of course, I'm not saying all boys. For example my elder brother isn't one of them.

Peace!

RUN

I thought the year 2011 is going to bring me some promises. I thought this blog will never have a sad and depressed post. I never thought the year 2011 will bring the worst of me.

I feel like I'm losing control of myself. My self-confidence, self-motivation and pride are long gone. My emotions seems to take control of me. I feel like I'm caught in a sorrow, drowning from my sorrow. My past keeps hauntig me, in my dreams. And when I thought I would wake up from a terrible nightmare, it does not end there.

Everywhere I go, whatever I do, I feel like nothing can cheer me up. I dont even know how to smile sincerely. Things are getting worst in my life. I'm failing and I'm falling. Anything can happen in between. I'm 22 and I will be 23 this year. I still am having this uneasy feeling, the feeling of uncertainty. I'm not sure about my future, like how I used to have. I feel like giving up a lot of things, and in which some of it may left me hurt and affects my future. But time is running out. I have to make the decision even if it means hurting myself because I have no choice.

The decision of continuing my studies was indeed a wrong move. The reason why I continue is because I do not want to waste money. In which it is a wrong reason for that kind of decision. The other reason why I continue is because he object towards it.

For decades, I've been doing what I've been told. Sometimes, I feel like I'm doing it for a particular wrong reasons. A reason to impress my parents. To make them feel proud of me. I've never been a bright student like my brother. I've failed two main subjects during my PSLE time. I ended up studying at Teck Whye, Normal Academic. However, I know I've been working hard and practicing it every day that suddenly, I was good. It felt good being good. I've taught my friends. I finished my homework. I did the problems before the classes starts. I feel damn good.

That's when my confidence grew. My self-motivation arose. My pride increased. I started to develop my own principles of lives. I'm in control of everything. Even in my poly days. Where I had new friends, who always make my day. Those four factors grew in me stronger. I've accepted more people in my lives, as long as they accepted me. I was blinded by believing that everyone is good. I never see the bad in them.

Then, there's work. I love my work. It grew on me. I felt so good. I felt so proud. I felt like I know my future is going to be good. But, it was gone. Everything was gone. From the moment I started to use Myspace.com and Tagged.com, and step at Digipen, everything was wiped away. My principles was gone, my confidence were limited, and I could not tell the right and the bad ones. My life was ruined with just a click of my mouse. I should never have done that. I should never be so bold to date guys. Guys who practically make me fall and never did try to save me. It does not ends there. Guys after guys, and none of them are able to save me.

I just hate myself for ended up like this. Never ever in my mind, that I will end up shrewd. I hate the problems or challenges that I was given. I hate whatever that is happening now in my life. I hate school. I hate studying the subjects that I hate. I hate doing a project that I do not want to do. I hate not knowing. I hate waiting for nothing. I hate doing for nothing. I hate checking for nothing. I hate learning for nothing. I hate worrying and freaking out for nothing. I hate getting mad at myself. I hate not having the freedom. I hate every single things!

And to make it worst, I hate you for not supporting me! I hate you for not being there for me! I hate you for making my life miserable! I hate you for making things more undesirable! I hate you for making myself lose control!

AND I HATE YOU FOR EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THINGS!.

So many things I'm scared of. I'm scared of getting paranoid about getting things right. I'm scared of controlling someone's else life, because that means I'm a freak. I'm scared that I'm doing all these without me knowing. Because right now, I feel like I'm doing it.

I'm so lost, I'm so confused, I'm scared, nothing is ever right. I feel like I'm losing control of myself. If only life is so simple...

Too many things to blog now. I cant continue... My head is spinning. My heart is racing. I'm better of dead.

A new generation

I guess its the starting of the new generation where those born in the late 1980s are married, settled and create the new generation.

Congratulations to Eika and Hafidz for the wonderful news. Welcome to the new world, Nur Adam! Heheheh. I cant wait to see the beautiful boy. =)

Now, I can't wait for my turn!. Hahaha. Well, probably not now or not in another 3 years. Who knows what Allah has planned for me. Or maybe I will not be married? Who knows, anything can happen. But, hearing the news, was indeed a wonderful news.

My close friend, that I knew for years, is a mother!. I pray that both of you and the baby will succeed in the future! =)

And, ORLANDO BLOOM HAS A NEWBORN BABY!. I miss being fanatic about him!. hahaha. Yeah, if you see my old blog, its orlando bloom all over.

Cheers!

psst, I feel like sitting down by the beach. Anyone would care to join me and the beach?

Sunday, 16.01.11

Met with Khad, Juaz and Angela to celebrate her birthday. We went to PLAY NATION!. AWESOME!. Pictures will be uploaded soon. For 2 hours, we paid around $20 to play Kinetics - dance game, in which me and Juaz achieve A or B grades. Hee, you need to know the tectics. When were getting tired, we play ROCK BAND. Where there's a drummer, two guitarists and one singer. Quite a lot of songs we played. From Taylor Swift - Love story to Spice Girls - Wannabe. Then we decided to play sports wii. We started with soccer, thinking we had time for the rest, found out, we do not.

We ended up playing three games. I bet we were the noisiest group!. Screaming and laughing and singing in a monotonous tones. But, I had a great time.

Can we go again?

NEWS FLASH!

I could not withdraw from SIT, because my school fees have been paid for this semester. I find it a waste if I withdraw from school. Therefore, my decision has been altered, I'm staying for a semester, until April 29.

Well, I have to get started revising, ehy.

Cheerios. =)